The Danger of Denial (And How to Escape it)
Denial certainly has its place. In the short term, it can be beneficial to ignore a problem because the implications of facing said problem or conflict are too overwhelming.
But, as Professor Robert Sipolsky says, there's a price to be paid down the road when denial becomes habitual - one that often comes with significant interest.
One of the strategies we use to combat denial in the FYM program is progressive desensitization, i.e., pushing yourself, but not so far beyond your comfort zone that you cannot cope...
This way, you build mental strength and resilience while allowing your wins to compound for truly profound results down the road.
Now, back to denial.
When I wrote the 7 Deadly Sins of The Anxious Mind; I listed:
1. Selflessness
2. Worry
3. Perfectionism
4. Addiction (social media)
5. Misery
6. Endeavour, and
7. Recall
While the book is short and sweet, with many valuable lessons learned the hard way to help anyone battling anxiety, it likely needs a revision. One such revision would be to give one Sin the boot and replace it with "denial."
Denial shows up in many ways
It is the polar opposite of acceptance which is essential for not only anxiety recovery but, I would argue, all life's problems. That is if you want a relatively peaceful life?
A classic sign of denial for anyone struggling with anxiety or panic attacks is the words, "I just want to be normal again."
Have you ever found yourself thinking or saying this? I sure as shit was guilty...
For years, I was searching for a time machine - anything to take me back to the day before that one panic attack pickled my brain, convinced me I had lost my mind, and changed my life forever.
Basically, before I knew what hell on earth was. Obviously, it's normal to wish for normality in circumstances where life in prison or poverty becomes more appealing than the life you somehow found yourself living.
The problem is that the desire — for normality — without fully accepting reality is one of the very reasons anxiety persists, thus pushing "normality" further away.
Here are just a few of its many forms:
Lack of acceptance
Self-pity
Blaming others (even though they likely contributed)
Blaming yourself
Avoidance
Victim identity
A lack of commitment or unwillingness to prioritise getting better
So on and so forth.
Again, denial is a normal stage of the process — one the Internet does not help with!
Once I knew what was wrong with me, my desire for that time machine grew significantly because now I believed it should exist…
"I mean, shit, I got my diagnosis. Fix me!"
But what I learned, again the hard way, is that most "professionals" are useless when it comes to anxiety. And, unless they have firsthand experience, they will likely end up causing more harm than good.
So what's one to do?
"Well, hello there, Google. I need a cure for anxiety, like ASAP!!!"
"Sure thing Nicky, here's a bunch…"
And so I bought every course and read every book relating to anxiety that PROMISED me my definitive cure.
Unsurprisingly, none of it worked. But why?
Here are 4 of the many reasons:
It was a one-size solution fits all
They mostly avoided the root cause, which is convenient but detrimental
There was little emphasis on the mind-body connection, and
It set me up to have outlandish expectations that would almost guarantee failure
They preyed on my desire for instant gratification - a weakness for most but kryptonite to a desperate mind riddled with severe. anxiety, making it nearly impossible to turn down.
Here is where vulnerability comes into play. And why you need to start sharing your story - not with people who will dismiss it, but with those who have empathy and compassion and, ideally, know what they're talking about.
Now, you might be thinking I'm not ready to accept this or drop my guard? I can't handle my vulnerability or shame — I need to feel better first?
Again, normal. It's all a work-in-progress. One that gets significantly easier after you take the first steps.
The good news is that admitting this to yourself and a willingness to put in the work is often enough to release the pressure valve to create the space required to do the work and find that relief you need to go further for greater relief.
It doesn't have to all occur at once.
This is why you need to create healthy goals and expectations:
Do this by breaking down bigger goals into micro-goals, and you'll be surprised at how fast you can progress. On the flip side, if you try to accomplish too much too soon - you will likely go backward. And if you stay stagnant or in denial, you'll definitely go backward.
This, I suspect, is the last thing you want? Therefore, you must begin to accept the challenge and move forward to earn your reward.
Remember: The only progress you need to measure is your own. This is not a competition — this is your mental health. Actually, fuck that - this is your life.
So, if you are currently living in denial, it's time to ask yourself: Is it worth it?